Hump Day on The Ranch

I’ve had quite the morning, LOL. In order to tell this story, I first need to introduce you to the characters:

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Callie is the faithful porch-dweller. She was intended to be a cow-dog, but lacks just about every characteristic of a working dog. She’s a little dumb and constantly a mess, but sweet as can be (except toward armadillos, the postman, and spiders.)





Two weeks ago we found her under a bridge at Riddle Creek, hence the name “Riddle”. She was scared, emaciated and so grateful for affection. Riddle instantly melted hearts and joined the pack as Porch Dweller #2.




Blitz is Unicorn Boy – a semi-short, chubby gelding with magical powers (more on that later). He’s the most well-mannered, eager to please horse, and I love him dearly.


Okie doke, moving right along.

So, here’s the scene:

It’s about 6:35am – barely light out. A slight mist sits on the pasture out front, and the cattle are grazing. It’s niiiice out, one of the first mornings of the season that actually feels like fall. I’m wearing my robe, sipping my coffee, doing my quiet Buddhist thing, when I’m greeted by the dogs.

Up comes Callie, in search of a wandering hand. Her head is tinted a slight green – a telltale sign that she treated herself to her signature “cow poop facial” this morning. You are so gross, but I still love you. I gingerly give her a few pats on the back, far from her poopy head.

Then, up comes Riddle, seeking some attention as well. In the two weeks since we found her, she has gone from a timid, starving creature to a feisty, funny pup.

BUT THEN, to my horror, Riddle mounts Callie! From the front! The scrawny little dog starts humping Callie’s cow poop-covered head!

NOOOOOO!!!! I shriek, but Riddle is relentless in her pursuit.

I’ve never seen lesbian dogs before, and this kind of fornication RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME was seriously disturbing my wa.

Callie, DO SOMETHING! She looks a little frightened, but doesn’t object.

More time passes, and Callie finally starts growling. I really really don’t want my bare foot to get involved in this interaction, but I realize I must intervene. So, I give Riddle a nudge to knock her off. No luck. This girl is a ~freaky~ machine.

GET OFF!!!!! I yell again, this time giving her a little punt. She stumbles from Callie’s face, but the pelvic thrusting doesn’t stop. She’s just standing in front of me, staring, stuck in a humping trance. Christ. 

Grossed out to the max, I look out into the pasture. Something strange catches my eye. It looks like there’s a black and white horse standing a few hundred yards away. We don’t own a black and white horse…Did someone else’s horse break into the pasture? Upon closer inspection, it proves to be none other than Blitz, being mounted by a steer. What-the-blankity-blank-blank! Now we’re crossing species?!?!

I need another cup of coffee, perhaps with some Bailey’s.

Appropriately, it’s Wednesday. Happy hump day, folks. 😐

4 thoughts on “Hump Day on The Ranch

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